Foolish heart

Well, it was bound to happen: didn't quite run into, but saw my ex and her husband today. Needle in a haystack kinda thing -- I was coming down Las Gallinas, returning from a hike, on my way to the mall. She was at the light on Freitas, to my left, and turned into the Safeway parking lot. I took evasive action and sped to the end of Freitas near my friend's house, then headed back down. I decided it would be prudent to abort the mall mission at that point. She and I went there often and I figured that's where they were headed next.

As I passed Safeway, the idiot gear kicked in, and I looked to my right. There they were, the happy couple, holding hands and walking towards me through the lot. I'm sure they saw me, but I didn't look long enough to make eye contact. I nailed the gas, ran 2 red lights, and blasted my way around the mall and back home, where I poured myself an emergency vodka and tonic. My fucking hands were shaking. That jangled the crap out of my nerves. I didn't need that today, of all days.

See, there's more, of course. Talk about synchronicity. I had just returned from a walk in Pt. Reyes to Divide Meadow, where she and I had gone a year ago today. That's where we made out for the first time, and we held hands all the way back to the car. How's that for the cosmos fucking with you? But I suppose I brought it on myself. There's a message there, somewhere.

I just wish I wasn't such a sentimental bastard sometimes. Despite all the shit, I do miss her -- I miss the good times.

I guess I took some comfort telling myself that she and Robert can't possibly have it as good as she and I did, that she married him out of desperation. But seeing them together makes me think that it might just be better, and that really hurts. On the one hand, good for her. On the other, move to Texas, girl, I don't want to see this.

Ah, fuck. Just put me out of my misery, will you?